The Thoughts Between

a little holiday gratitude...   

       I just woke up from a nice sleep to hear the pouring down of rain outside. I put on some coffee and sat down to catch up on facebook for a little bit. After a few minutes of status updates and funny cartoons expressing some of the comedies of Christmas I began reflecting on the whirlwind that was my holiday/work weekend. I thought I would write for a little while about some of the things I had on my mind. So here it goes.

      Christmas has once again come and gone leaving behind in its wake several emotional and thought provoking experiences about life and the roads we travel. I witnessed first hand, this weekend, the joy of my own family celebrating the holiday while we experienced heart felt feelings of love in the purest sense of the word. And while I felt the warmth of my own family in Pennsylvania I also experienced the joy of  my work family under completely different circumstances. Here I watched as the faces of sadness and uncertainty were embraced by hugs and a genuine compassion for one another as these folks search to find answers to their problems with addiction. I  felt the love of fellowship as they rallied around each other with a common desire to heal the wounds of a disease that tears the love in their families apart. By the way, how would you define love? I took a philosophy class this past semester where we posed that very question. It was quite interesting to hear the different explanations coming from everyone. It's not that easy to put into words. So maybe I should be careful by dispensing the idea that I have experienced love in its purest sense. Who am I to really know what that is? I guess I'm only me, and based on my own experiences of love I have my own idea of something that would be, well, pure. But keeping that idea in mind with all of the joys during the holiday season there is also a lot of sadness and in the same way that love and happiness can be magnified during this time of year so can loneliness and depression.

     Not everyone feels warm and fuzzy about their lives. Heck I've been there my self at times but somehow the spirit of this special time of year seems to seep through and tweak our happy valves even just a little bit. You may not even realize that it's happening. I work in a treatment facility where patients are away from their families and totally confused about the situation that has developed in their lives. Its a mixed bag of emotions really because while they miss their families and feel the weight of guilt that comes with being away from their children, they also hang onto the realization that they are doing something that will yield to happier occasions in the future. But still, the current circumstances have a way of trapping the darkness of the moment into these pockets of depression and for that there is only the hope that time will heal.

    I guess I feel lucky in a way to be in a place where I can experience the opposite ends of this emotional spectrum. It really does lend itself to a lot of gratitude for not only where I've come from but for the things that I have in my life today. A couple of days before Christmas I was sitting with my parents thinking how lucky I was to have them both alive and healthy at this point in my life. We were talking about some of the less fortunate people in the world and my dad started to tear up when he thought of one of his close friends whose wife has cancer. He was feeling the pain of that man and expressing his feelings about all of the sadness in the world. It was at that point that I said to him, " look how lucky we are! We are all still alive and pretty healthy. We have weathered some rough storms and here we are getting ready to celebrate a family tradition. We have a lot to be grateful for". It's true! We do have a lot to be grateful for and yes there is a lot a sadness in the world. It's why, in my opinion, people who have the ability to share happiness should do it. I know there are many ways in which we can all give or express our gratitude. Everyone, on some level, is close to a cause of some kind and if not there are plenty of folks who could just use a little love at this time of the year. Maybe you'll even find your own definition of pure. Who knows... But its certainly worth trying.

     One more thing and then I'll stop. Often sadness and depression are clinical and need professional attention and treatment. But often it's a result of self consuming thoughts and isolation. One way to help yourself with that would be to get out and help someone else. You might just find that your situation is not quite as bad as you think. You might even have a little surge of joy and feel better about who you are. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and please be safe over the new years weekend. I'll be working again this weekend but not before I get to spend some time with my lady as we will celebrate our belated Christmas with each other and share in the joy of the day.

Peace everyone
Rob ~

Catching Up at Christmas

         Wow! It's been sometime since I last blogged. I couldn't begin to tell you all that's been going on since August. It would take too long. I would love to make a better attempt to blog a bit more regularly in the coming year but in order to do that I need to try and allow the natural course of feelings to find there way into my writing. Ya know, without too much editing and poetic analogies and such. OK, well maybe a few here there. After all writing is a creative expression of our thoughts and what better way to allow that to happen than writing something that has your true self imbedded into it's content.

         Anyway, the last few months have been busy. To begin with I started a diet back in August because I was getting tired of the way I looked and felt. I was finally able to get on a track with both eating and working out and it started to show results. Once the results were becoming more and more evident I wanted it more and more. I got involved with a weight loss program called "A Better Weigh". It was very hard to do and I'm not kidding when I tell you there were times I had to just lay down and sleep because I couldn't stand the feeling of wanting to eat and not being able to do so. But with some determination and the support of the folks on the staff I was able to come up with ways of getting through the urges. It's a very restricting diet and one that many would disagree with but I got the results I was looking for and now I have to try and make some permanent changes from 50 years of bad eating habits. Not easy!!  By the weigh ;-) I lost a total of 35 lbs.

         I continued with school this fall although I only took one class, Philosophy 101. I only took the one class because  I was very uncertain about my involvement with music and other interests. Of course there is the other time sucker which is my full time job. I'm glad I made this choice because it really allowed me some wiggle room when my schedule got heavy. The class was great as was the teacher. Professor Brown is an attorney who works out of DC and was formally a Wall Street finance guy. He has a real passion for philosophy and gave very cool and energy packed lectures on all the topics we covered. I like to say that I put one hundred percent into this class but the reality is I did what I had to do to get by. The one thing I can say is that I was truly engaged in the class time and enjoyed participating in the conversations. I was amazed at the intellectual level of some of my classmates who, might I remind you, were only 18 or 19 years old. We covered everything from the Origins of Philosophy to Existentialism to Marxism and more. It had a profound impact on my thinking and helped me to confirm that it's OK for me to feel some of the things I do and that the quest for the truth can be often painful but enlightening.

     My job at Father Martin's Ashley has been and continues to be a gift that I can only express as divine in my life. I have never once, in the time I have been working there, felt like I didn't want to go to work. And if for some reason I did feel that way, for a second, it was because I had to get up and move from point A to point B. It never had anything to do with the actual work. In fact I don't even see it as work at all. I look forward to arriving to one of the worlds truly amazing institutions every day I'm scheduled to be there. The chance to help people to get through such difficult times in their life is really, in my opinion, being engaged in God's work. And even though I work a schedule that is a little bit isolating from what we know as normal I still love the work and the chance to be there for the next suffering person at the end of their rope. It has helped me to stay focused in my own recovery and realize the gift that I was given about 3-1/2 years ago.

     OK, I'm going on too long here and I've only covered three areas of my busy schedule over the past few months. Trust me when I tell you that everything else is also going well. It hasn't come without some tough days or a bit of soul searching but the journey is good and I am looking forward to Christmas and the holiday season. I will be at work on these days this year helping the folks who are in treatment to find some peace and gratitude for being exactly where they are at this moment in time. So if you think of it, toss up a prayer for the still sick and suffering throughout the world and from me to you have a wonderful holiday experience with your family and friends.

With Love,
Rob

"Baseball Night With Dad"

    This past Wednesday night my Dad and I went to see the Phillies and the Arizona D-Backs at Ctizen's Bank Park in Philadelphia. The tickets were a birthday gift from my parents for my 50th back in June. My family has always been pretty big baseball fans. We had season tickets for many years when I was growing up as a kid and went to a lot of games. But as time went on we went less and less and when the Phils moved into the new stadium my parents transferred the tickets to another person because the financial part of it seemed a bit too much. So this game on Wednesday was the first game I had been to in quite a few years and it was really the first time I had the chance to experience the new ball park.

Having dinner while watching batting practice

         We really had a good time as we went down to the park early to have dinner and watch batting practice. The stadium has so many cool places to visit but certainly the first thing on the agenda was food. We considered a few options but settled on a "no brainer". Hoagies... A Philly classic! We ate our hoagies while watching the Phils take batting practice. The weather was great in the afternoon sun and I was totally feeling the excitement about being there. After we finished our dinner we explored some of the shops.  I had decided several weeks ago that I wanted to buy my Dad a Phillies shirt. He had worn one to the game but it was old and I thought it would be great to see him in something up to date. He picked out one of the popular red shirts with the players name and number on the back. Dad picked out Chase Utley's number 26. He also bought himself a ball cap and quickly ducked into a bathroom and put on his new gear. He was like a little kid and we took some great pictures as we made our way around to the many shrines at the stadium.

Dad sportin' his new shirt and cap

Cliff Lee on the mound

The game was great! We got lucky to see Cliff Lee pitch who is one of the Phils top weapons on this very talented team. It was a pretty close game through 6 innings but in the 7th the Phillies blew it wide open with some great hitting. The final score was 9-2 and the Phillies continue to push forward  in what hopes to be a memorable season. My Dad and I had a great time. We talked about a lot of things and especially some great baseball conversation. We indulged in some yummy foods that make the baseball experience unique. I can't begin to express what a great night it was. We had the chance to share in one of America's great past times, revisit our younger days as a family, and stop time for a night to be together and create a lasting memory. Thanks Mom & Dad for a great birthday present.

Sometimes things just hurt ...

It's been a rough week or so. I've had a personal situation going on in my family that I really don't want to get into here on my blog but trust me when I tell you that it weighs on me heavily. I try to be as optimistic as possible and for the most part I am. Maybe not quite to the level of my girlfriend Cheryl but she's in a league of her own. I think I would even nominate her for president of the "Optimist Society". Is there such an organization? I might look that up...

When a member of your family is hurting or in danger it hurts badly. It dominates most of my thinking and it can really cause a depressive state in me. As I said, I try to remain optimistic. I usually go to bed at night thinking that tomorrow is a new day and it's going to be better. Today started out a little sluggish but after some morning coffee and a few activities around the house I went to a noon time AA meeting with my roommate. It was a good meeting as someone was celebrating one year of sobriety. That's always a very special celebration. I heard some really good things and I felt good. But then I came back home and lost any motivation that I had going on up to that point. I slipped into that sluggish state of mind and before I knew it I was laying down to nap. A long nap!!

I got up a late in the afternoon and tried to get going again. I just recently got a set of drums so I started to play for a bit. It was nice! Playing the drums for me has always been a good way to release some stress. I then did a quick food shopping stop and went to another AA meeting. The topic was on the first step. Actually someone read a little passage out of the Big Book from the "Doctors Opinion". It was another good meeting and, for today, just another reminder of something that caused a lot of un-manageability in my life. As my roommate likes to say, "If I have four problems and I pick up a drink I now have five".

As I approach my own celebration of sobriety in July - 3 years on July 18th - I have to realize that happiness and positive attitudes are not an automatic just because I have stopped drinking and drugging. In fact, I still have the same tendencies to isolate and become consumed in my thoughts that I had before I got sober. I'm still learning how to be consistent with the things in life that keep me on track. Consistency was never one of my strong points and I still struggle with it. I know that I also need to give myself a break sometimes because there are things in life that are just not very pleasant. No matter how much we try to see the good in life and experience the joy of living, sometimes things just hurt.

PS. I googled "Optimist Society" and this is what I found. Lets start your campaign honey.

Turning Fifty... Really?

    

  reflecting on life so far...

            Are you serious? That got here awful quick, or did it really? In hindsight I suppose it did but if I really think about it, it wasn't so quick at all. I've lived a lot of life during these past 50 years. That's a whole bunch of days, by the way. 18,262 of them to be exact. And hours! 438,288 of those big hand circulars since I left the comfy womb that many times I wished I could've gone back to. Well,  maybe not literally but there have been some moments during the past 50 years that something like that would have seemed like a safer alternative. And why not, right? Life can be scary sometimes. If nothing else there were days when I felt like I just wanted to start over. But the chance to start over actually happens everyday and I finally grabbed a hold of one a few years ago and I haven't let go since. It has given me a great opportunity to clean up a WHOLE bunch of garbage before hitting the big 'FIVE O'. And that my friends has truly been the greatest gift in my life to this point.
   
          Not many have been as blessed from the gate, as I have, to have two wonderful parents who not only wanted me to experience some great things in life, but literally handed them to me. Although I think even they might suggest doing some things differently - and what family doesn't - their generosity was always with love and a real desire for my sister and I to be happy. We visited some of the most fascinating places and shared in many beautiful times in our early years as a family. Even after the drum corps took over our lives, we managed to live a life full of wonder and enjoyment. My family made the Crossmen Drum Corps a special experience for those who allowed it to be that way. They were hard times for me, in many ways, because I had to give up a lot of my family so that others could have the experience. I also endured the inevitable criticism from those who had "a better way" of doing things. That was never easy for me and especially as an adolescent who grew up thinking that his parents were simply the best in the world. I had some early lessons in life about how not to take things personally. Drum Corps was cruel that way but I recognize today all of the good that came from those days and the hundreds of people that express their gratitude for the great experiences they had. My own life was made better through those experiences and there is no doubt about that.

     I wasn't a very mature young adult and because of that I never really settled into anything. I did a lot cool things and had some legitimate ambitions but I was going about it all in a very haphazard way. At times I started to feel desperate and afraid that I wouldn't get what I wanted in life. Part of the problem was that I  didn't know what I wanted. I lacked in stick-to-itiveness. I became impressed with shallow works of life's meaning and I drifted. I drifted from the things that really mattered in life. Family, love and eventually a sense of my own being. I hurt some people through my selfish actions and destroyed some dreams. It was hard for me to live in such conflict but I also felt that my desires in life didn't seem to fit in with what I had already made commitments to do. I married very young because it seemed right at the time, but I wasn't anywhere close to knowing what I wanted in life, and every day became a constant struggle of how to find my way while being in a partnership with someone else. I don't know if any of you have ever been in that place before but it was very scary and I eventually made some serious life altering decisions that I'm not proud of. I tried over and over to get to a place where I could feel OK. As I see it today that was bad thinking because I believe that we never really arrive anywhere. This whole life thing is one big journey and the more I realize that doing the next right thing will get me to the next right place, the better off I am. Unfortunately, drugs and alcohol started to become the next right thing for me and that led me to the next wrong place. At that point I just started spinning my wheels over and over in the deep muck I was creating.

         The last thing I want to do is paint a grim picture of  my life. There have been tough times - there's no doubt about that. We all go through them and mine is only special to me because, well, its mine. I have lived through some great times and I've had some of the most celebrated moments that anyone could ever ask for. My life in drum corps was nothing short of spectacular. I was a snare drummer in two amazing Junior Drum Corps: The Crossmen and The Blue Devils. Both of these organizations were well respected and successful in their own right. I became the first 3 time Drum Corps International snare drumming champion in the history of the organization. I wrote for and taught some of the finest drum corps in DCA and captured a few championships along the way. In the middle of all that I even found time to give my drumset chops a legitimate workout and I toured around the world taking in new musical experiences. As the result of that experience, I started to take in new musical influences and I became an avid writer and composer. Over recent years I have reaped the benefits of my dedication to the marching arts and have been honored in three different Hall of Fame inductions including the World Drum Corps Hall of Fame.

           During my late twenties I was given the gift of fatherhood. I can remember the day Sean was born just like it was yesterday. I knew this was big time stuff and I didn't need any reminders other than the love I felt in my own heart. Though my thoughts and desires denied my son of a traditional family experience, I never for a moment stopped loving him. I was not always there for him and that's a burden that will never completely go away, but I've tried to forgive myself and move on. I was a part-time dad, but Sean always knew I loved him. I messed up quite a bit but I never gave up and that is something I am forever grateful to my Mom for. She did her best to keep some notion of importance present in each day for me. I know that today my relationship with Sean is special, and like no other father and son. Sean has confirmed that for me. The great thing about life is that it gives one the chance to start over everyday.

            Over the past three years a lot has changed. Making a conscious decision to stop the insanity of drinking and drugging that almost took my life at age 47 was a huge step forward. It required an undertaking that broke me down to a helpless human being who knew nothing at all about living life other than making myself feel good at the expense of others. Today I've come to know and believe that I can make myself consistently and reasonably happy in this life by helping others and staying out of my own way. I was the great example of "Self Will Run Riot". I wasn't willing to listen to suggestions unless I thought they would benefit me in a way that I wanted them to. By taking that first step and admitting my powerlessness over something that was causing me to crumble inside I was able to move toward liberation. But that was only the beginning. It required a whole lot of work after that to really get down to the core of my sickness as a self-centered, self-consuming individual.

         Ya know, when I tell my story to people outside of recovery circles I inevitably get something like "Rob,  I can't picture you as a bad person or someone who didn't care about others". I usually laugh a little bit and then respond with something like "maybe you should ask my ex-wife Deb what she thinks about that, or the fifty different employers that I had through the years that I kept telling to f**k off. Even my parents, who never relinquished their unconditional love for me, got the best of my screw-you attitude. To many, the real illness of an alcoholic and an addict is not always apparent because we are not always bad people. We're sick people who need to get well.

           These days I am trying my best to keep life simple. I need it that way! I can still overbook my schedule like I used to do when I was writing for 5 marching bands, a drum corps, playing in a rock-n-roll band, working a 40-hour a week job and trying to be a part-time husband and father. Basically running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Yep, I can still get myself going in that mode but I have learned to put on the brakes and realize when its getting a little crazy. I don't think life is made to be lived like that. I know we live in a busy world with a lot of things available to us but if I don't take time out to fuel my mind, body and spirit with healthy things, I will crash and burn. For me that doesn't just mean one day a week but rather a daily consciousness of peace. I am trying to grow in my faith. It comes slow and I know if I try too hard to figure out Who God is and What He's all about, I will get lost. Instead, I just believe! It's easier that way and I've got to tell you for this guy it works. I pray for things like strength and willingness to do whatever needs to be done. Sometimes it's not necessarily what I want to do, but somehow these days I find that I'm able to look past that. That's a miracle!

        God willing I still have a lot of life ahead of me and with that I have a lot of things I would like to accomplish. I have been actively working on a collection of original music that I want to have published and released sometime in the near future. That takes a lot of patience and tolerance because often my thoughts will tell me "I want what I want and I want it now"! I'm still a little sick between the ears but what can I say... Rome wasn't built in a day. I went back to school this year and started learning again. It was a great experience and I look forward to continuing my education; probably in the area of psychology. Why not? I'm a crazy son-of-a-bitch anyway. Who better to know crazy than the crazy one himself? I was given the gift of a new job back in December that I never could have imagined coming to me. I am working in one of the most prestigious drug and alcohol treatment facilities in the country. It was the same place that set me on my own journey to wellness. I have the opportunity to talk to afflicted people everyday and give them hope that they so desperately need. Someday I would love to write a book. Doesn't everybody? I also hope to see my son grow and experience the happiness that I've found.

   For those of you who made it to the end of this posting, I appreciate your taking the time to read. I love to write about my experiences because I think they might be able to help someone else. I'm always a little reluctant to blab about my life but I feel that my story is worth writing about. So in an attempt to keep my ego in check I humbly thank you for being interested enough to read this rather long reflection on my fiftieth birthday. Thank you and God Bless!

Your friend
Rob

Shades of Gray

     

            This morning as I raised the blinds to take in the ominous activity occurring out over the bay, my thoughts and feelings began to signify the shades of gray that were evident from my perched view. It’s easy to love this scene as a clear majestic sunrise when the beautiful reflections of the new day enter the realm of your spirit like the God of your understanding. It tells you, without a doubt, that life is good and that somehow you have a chance to make this day the best one of your life. But when your humanism gives way to the uncertainties of fear and the element of surprise finds you engaged in its imagery, the result is a simultaneous effect equivalent to that of surrealism. 

            Today has been a day of thought for me. It is Sunday and for many people in the world it's a day of reflection and a chance to celebrate or connect in some way with their creator. I did not attend church today and I haven't done so since I started my new job which runs through the overnight-weekend hours. I work at a facility with a beautiful chapel right on the grounds but for some reason when I get off work at 8:30am on Sunday morning I just want to go home and get some rest. The service at the chapel begins at 9:00 and I really should make a more concerted effort to go as the result is always favorable for my general outlook on things. It’s only an hour of my time and just a short distance across the campus to get there. But once again this morning I had my mind set on sleep and before I knew it I was driving away. After finally waking from a broken sleep at around 3pm I found myself reflecting on the same things that were concerning me earlier and that can often spell trouble for me as the mess accumulates in my head. For that I have another blog called “my journal”. (No public access allowed) That's where I try to get the congestion of thoughts from my mind into words right in front of me so I can make some sense of it all. If nothing else it gives me a chance to pause before I get to the "insert foot in mouth" stage. J

           I am finding out that along with progress comes hard decisions about things that are not always comfortable to deal with. I try to live in the day as best I can. This is something that has been emphasized to me by my good friends in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's been one of the real gifts to me in sobriety and I’m finally starting to get the hang of it. I spent way too many years projecting my life into the future rather than taking my ambitions a day at a time and seeking steady progress. I’ve had to completely shift my way of thinking and it requires a lot of practice and most of all patience and tolerance. I can get very frustrated about my lack of progress in something or scow at the inability of someone to understand me. If I’m not careful I can fall back into those old ways of thinking and the next thing I know I’m making impulsive decisions because I don't like the feeling. I need to realize that sometimes the elements just don’t allow me to see results in my estimated time frame. More often than not I need to accept the people in my life for who they are and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I really used to think it did…

           My old ways of thinking had to be smashed to make way for newer and healthier thoughts that allow me to look at my part in everything. Often that requires an awareness of my delicate ego that still gets challenged by the most trivial bullshit. There is a process in the 12 steps by which we identify our shortcomings and character defects. These are nasty liabilities that kept me running from the truth time after time. I have identified some of the more glaring of these liabilities and ultimately they fall under a broader sense of fear. By asking God to take these fears from me and by turning my will over to His care I can live reasonably happy and accomplish most anything I set out to do. But life still has a way of unleashing the element of surprise on us when we least expect it. A stormy Sunday can really take you hostage until you recognize your captivity and surrender once again.

          These days, for the most part, I’ve been able to surrender those daily thoughts that can wreak havoc in my mind. But every now and then they come dancing in like storm clouds disguised as the affirmation of progress and kick my ass right to my knees for a humbling reality check. As time goes on and I strive for a better way of thinking and living, those nasty little defects seem to lurk about like the shades of a gray morning. Like distant moving clouds intermixed with swirling rippled waters, the line of definition comes and goes with the wind. My thoughts are challenged like the flocks of wind blown birds desperately seeking their destination; diving and moving to protect their flight to resolution. In a moment only captured through an absolute state of awareness, my view becomes black and white with only a slight tinge of green to remind me of my newness and vulnerability. As I have come to seek and accept healing in my life these moments are few and far between. But just as the powerful surge of a storm can disrupt the beauty of a calming scene, so can the self-centered illness of an alcoholic disrupt the serenity of his own healing and calming state of mind.

Sunrise Seven Eighteen

             It was a morning that I won't soon ever forget. Life gathered all around me and showed me it was available but I needed to grab hold and not let go. The greatness of good was everywhere but yet I could only look at it and hope that by taking one healthy step forward followed by another that maybe someday it would weave its way into my shredded fabric.

           July 17, 2008  ~   I had been on a four or five day drinking binge, which was common place at this point in my life, and the only thing I knew was that I was suppose to get on a plane to leave Phoenix, Arizona and arrive in Philadelphia later that evening. The arrangements were made the day before by my family back east who were hoping and praying that somehow I would get on that plane, It wasn't going to be easy as I could barely pack a pair of underwear without puking. If it hadn't been for a couple of gentleman that I had met at an AA meeting I would have never made it. Fortunately God introduced me to Bill H. and Peter B. who arrived at my apartment in Scottsdale that day to make sure that I got to the airport and on that plane. I packed only what I needed to move without too much restriction through the airport. I left the rest of my life packed in boxes and considered I would never see most of it again. I didn't own very much. I was broke and had nothing of real value. My life had been dictated by drugs and alcohol for a long time and going to Arizona eight months prior was another attempt at change without doing what really needed to be done which was to completely stop using and drinking. But here I was on this day heading back to my hometown before I would be taken to a treatment center in Havre de Grace, MD. The very town that I live in today.

             As Bill and Peter got me to the airport I thanked them and told them I would be fine from here. I could barely get the words out of my mouth and as I reached for my bag on the ground I kept missing the handle to pick it up. They both looked at me with amusing grins and said, Oh no Rob... Who do you think you're talking to here? They knew that the only thing I had on my mind was the airport bar. They walked me to the gate area and made me promise them that I would get on that plane and not go to the bar. They assured me that with a very concerned family waiting to pick me up in Philly that it was most important to get on that plane and that the rest of my life was hinging on completing the mission of this moment in time. As I began to shake in the early stages of withdraw I nodded to them and hoped that I actually believed myself. I shook their hands and bid them farewell. They were a God sent and I would never see Bill again as he passed away a couple of years later. I did however have the chance to thank him through a couple of emails during my first year of sobriety. Peter and I have been in touch on facebook and we have shared in the memory of our friend Bill. As I sit here today with over two and a half years sober I can only believe that Bill is looking down with a smile knowing that he helped to save the life of an alcoholic who was knocking on death's doorstep.

           I boarded the plane and got a widow seat. The plane was full and next to me sat a young college student who hadn't bathed in days. The smell was rancid and I was sure that before the end of the trip he would have a lap full of whatever liquor my liver was rejecting at this point. After several trips to the hospital during the past month the doctors informed me that I was showing some early indications of cirrhosis. That  actually turned my thoughts from not giving a shit about my unmanageable life anymore to being a little more concerned about dying. But for the moment I was thinking of how I was going to get through a five hour flight and deal with this smell. I curled up with my head pressed to the window and pulled my shirt up around my nose. The smell of whiskey coming through my pores was much nicer than the BO next to me. I can only imagine that the people around us were in conflict about the drifting aromas. They probably didn't know who to hate more, the guy by the window detoxing or the young slob who smelled like he skipped a shower after a track meet. Then again, maybe they just blamed it all on the guy in the aisle seat who was passed out from sitting next to both of us.

           I watched as my plane left the runway and the Arizona desert went further into the distance. I watched as the cactus became specs on a canvas of sand that began to sprout ridges and then mountains. Through the haze of drifting clouds the patterns of man made counties and cities throughout the desert seem to be watching ever so sadly as my eyes filled up and the reality of my departure was in place. I thought for a moment how only eight months ago I watched this whole image in reverse. I thought about how excited and optimistic I was about living out here in the west and working in a music store doing something I loved. But I couldn't stop drinking and as this experience would fade as another distant memory in my life I had to somehow think about totally surrendering to something because I couldn't go on like this. I watched for as long as I could see the hot orange ball of flame that guarded the desert like the devil himself that guarded my alcoholic affliction. The next time I would see the sun it would rise over the Chesapeake Bay on Seven Eighteen. It would have a new light to it and a new beauty. The miraculous glow was no longer a fire reminiscent of the burn in my belly but rather a reassuring light emphasized by the magnificence of the peaceful waters along the Chesapeake. I was greeted by a person who smiled at me and said, "welcome... you never have to feel like this ever again". My life has never been the same since and I thank God everyday for keeping me alive and for getting me on that plane.