Sometimes things just hurt ...

It's been a rough week or so. I've had a personal situation going on in my family that I really don't want to get into here on my blog but trust me when I tell you that it weighs on me heavily. I try to be as optimistic as possible and for the most part I am. Maybe not quite to the level of my girlfriend Cheryl but she's in a league of her own. I think I would even nominate her for president of the "Optimist Society". Is there such an organization? I might look that up...

When a member of your family is hurting or in danger it hurts badly. It dominates most of my thinking and it can really cause a depressive state in me. As I said, I try to remain optimistic. I usually go to bed at night thinking that tomorrow is a new day and it's going to be better. Today started out a little sluggish but after some morning coffee and a few activities around the house I went to a noon time AA meeting with my roommate. It was a good meeting as someone was celebrating one year of sobriety. That's always a very special celebration. I heard some really good things and I felt good. But then I came back home and lost any motivation that I had going on up to that point. I slipped into that sluggish state of mind and before I knew it I was laying down to nap. A long nap!!

I got up a late in the afternoon and tried to get going again. I just recently got a set of drums so I started to play for a bit. It was nice! Playing the drums for me has always been a good way to release some stress. I then did a quick food shopping stop and went to another AA meeting. The topic was on the first step. Actually someone read a little passage out of the Big Book from the "Doctors Opinion". It was another good meeting and, for today, just another reminder of something that caused a lot of un-manageability in my life. As my roommate likes to say, "If I have four problems and I pick up a drink I now have five".

As I approach my own celebration of sobriety in July - 3 years on July 18th - I have to realize that happiness and positive attitudes are not an automatic just because I have stopped drinking and drugging. In fact, I still have the same tendencies to isolate and become consumed in my thoughts that I had before I got sober. I'm still learning how to be consistent with the things in life that keep me on track. Consistency was never one of my strong points and I still struggle with it. I know that I also need to give myself a break sometimes because there are things in life that are just not very pleasant. No matter how much we try to see the good in life and experience the joy of living, sometimes things just hurt.

PS. I googled "Optimist Society" and this is what I found. Lets start your campaign honey.

Turning Fifty... Really?

    

  reflecting on life so far...

            Are you serious? That got here awful quick, or did it really? In hindsight I suppose it did but if I really think about it, it wasn't so quick at all. I've lived a lot of life during these past 50 years. That's a whole bunch of days, by the way. 18,262 of them to be exact. And hours! 438,288 of those big hand circulars since I left the comfy womb that many times I wished I could've gone back to. Well,  maybe not literally but there have been some moments during the past 50 years that something like that would have seemed like a safer alternative. And why not, right? Life can be scary sometimes. If nothing else there were days when I felt like I just wanted to start over. But the chance to start over actually happens everyday and I finally grabbed a hold of one a few years ago and I haven't let go since. It has given me a great opportunity to clean up a WHOLE bunch of garbage before hitting the big 'FIVE O'. And that my friends has truly been the greatest gift in my life to this point.
   
          Not many have been as blessed from the gate, as I have, to have two wonderful parents who not only wanted me to experience some great things in life, but literally handed them to me. Although I think even they might suggest doing some things differently - and what family doesn't - their generosity was always with love and a real desire for my sister and I to be happy. We visited some of the most fascinating places and shared in many beautiful times in our early years as a family. Even after the drum corps took over our lives, we managed to live a life full of wonder and enjoyment. My family made the Crossmen Drum Corps a special experience for those who allowed it to be that way. They were hard times for me, in many ways, because I had to give up a lot of my family so that others could have the experience. I also endured the inevitable criticism from those who had "a better way" of doing things. That was never easy for me and especially as an adolescent who grew up thinking that his parents were simply the best in the world. I had some early lessons in life about how not to take things personally. Drum Corps was cruel that way but I recognize today all of the good that came from those days and the hundreds of people that express their gratitude for the great experiences they had. My own life was made better through those experiences and there is no doubt about that.

     I wasn't a very mature young adult and because of that I never really settled into anything. I did a lot cool things and had some legitimate ambitions but I was going about it all in a very haphazard way. At times I started to feel desperate and afraid that I wouldn't get what I wanted in life. Part of the problem was that I  didn't know what I wanted. I lacked in stick-to-itiveness. I became impressed with shallow works of life's meaning and I drifted. I drifted from the things that really mattered in life. Family, love and eventually a sense of my own being. I hurt some people through my selfish actions and destroyed some dreams. It was hard for me to live in such conflict but I also felt that my desires in life didn't seem to fit in with what I had already made commitments to do. I married very young because it seemed right at the time, but I wasn't anywhere close to knowing what I wanted in life, and every day became a constant struggle of how to find my way while being in a partnership with someone else. I don't know if any of you have ever been in that place before but it was very scary and I eventually made some serious life altering decisions that I'm not proud of. I tried over and over to get to a place where I could feel OK. As I see it today that was bad thinking because I believe that we never really arrive anywhere. This whole life thing is one big journey and the more I realize that doing the next right thing will get me to the next right place, the better off I am. Unfortunately, drugs and alcohol started to become the next right thing for me and that led me to the next wrong place. At that point I just started spinning my wheels over and over in the deep muck I was creating.

         The last thing I want to do is paint a grim picture of  my life. There have been tough times - there's no doubt about that. We all go through them and mine is only special to me because, well, its mine. I have lived through some great times and I've had some of the most celebrated moments that anyone could ever ask for. My life in drum corps was nothing short of spectacular. I was a snare drummer in two amazing Junior Drum Corps: The Crossmen and The Blue Devils. Both of these organizations were well respected and successful in their own right. I became the first 3 time Drum Corps International snare drumming champion in the history of the organization. I wrote for and taught some of the finest drum corps in DCA and captured a few championships along the way. In the middle of all that I even found time to give my drumset chops a legitimate workout and I toured around the world taking in new musical experiences. As the result of that experience, I started to take in new musical influences and I became an avid writer and composer. Over recent years I have reaped the benefits of my dedication to the marching arts and have been honored in three different Hall of Fame inductions including the World Drum Corps Hall of Fame.

           During my late twenties I was given the gift of fatherhood. I can remember the day Sean was born just like it was yesterday. I knew this was big time stuff and I didn't need any reminders other than the love I felt in my own heart. Though my thoughts and desires denied my son of a traditional family experience, I never for a moment stopped loving him. I was not always there for him and that's a burden that will never completely go away, but I've tried to forgive myself and move on. I was a part-time dad, but Sean always knew I loved him. I messed up quite a bit but I never gave up and that is something I am forever grateful to my Mom for. She did her best to keep some notion of importance present in each day for me. I know that today my relationship with Sean is special, and like no other father and son. Sean has confirmed that for me. The great thing about life is that it gives one the chance to start over everyday.

            Over the past three years a lot has changed. Making a conscious decision to stop the insanity of drinking and drugging that almost took my life at age 47 was a huge step forward. It required an undertaking that broke me down to a helpless human being who knew nothing at all about living life other than making myself feel good at the expense of others. Today I've come to know and believe that I can make myself consistently and reasonably happy in this life by helping others and staying out of my own way. I was the great example of "Self Will Run Riot". I wasn't willing to listen to suggestions unless I thought they would benefit me in a way that I wanted them to. By taking that first step and admitting my powerlessness over something that was causing me to crumble inside I was able to move toward liberation. But that was only the beginning. It required a whole lot of work after that to really get down to the core of my sickness as a self-centered, self-consuming individual.

         Ya know, when I tell my story to people outside of recovery circles I inevitably get something like "Rob,  I can't picture you as a bad person or someone who didn't care about others". I usually laugh a little bit and then respond with something like "maybe you should ask my ex-wife Deb what she thinks about that, or the fifty different employers that I had through the years that I kept telling to f**k off. Even my parents, who never relinquished their unconditional love for me, got the best of my screw-you attitude. To many, the real illness of an alcoholic and an addict is not always apparent because we are not always bad people. We're sick people who need to get well.

           These days I am trying my best to keep life simple. I need it that way! I can still overbook my schedule like I used to do when I was writing for 5 marching bands, a drum corps, playing in a rock-n-roll band, working a 40-hour a week job and trying to be a part-time husband and father. Basically running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Yep, I can still get myself going in that mode but I have learned to put on the brakes and realize when its getting a little crazy. I don't think life is made to be lived like that. I know we live in a busy world with a lot of things available to us but if I don't take time out to fuel my mind, body and spirit with healthy things, I will crash and burn. For me that doesn't just mean one day a week but rather a daily consciousness of peace. I am trying to grow in my faith. It comes slow and I know if I try too hard to figure out Who God is and What He's all about, I will get lost. Instead, I just believe! It's easier that way and I've got to tell you for this guy it works. I pray for things like strength and willingness to do whatever needs to be done. Sometimes it's not necessarily what I want to do, but somehow these days I find that I'm able to look past that. That's a miracle!

        God willing I still have a lot of life ahead of me and with that I have a lot of things I would like to accomplish. I have been actively working on a collection of original music that I want to have published and released sometime in the near future. That takes a lot of patience and tolerance because often my thoughts will tell me "I want what I want and I want it now"! I'm still a little sick between the ears but what can I say... Rome wasn't built in a day. I went back to school this year and started learning again. It was a great experience and I look forward to continuing my education; probably in the area of psychology. Why not? I'm a crazy son-of-a-bitch anyway. Who better to know crazy than the crazy one himself? I was given the gift of a new job back in December that I never could have imagined coming to me. I am working in one of the most prestigious drug and alcohol treatment facilities in the country. It was the same place that set me on my own journey to wellness. I have the opportunity to talk to afflicted people everyday and give them hope that they so desperately need. Someday I would love to write a book. Doesn't everybody? I also hope to see my son grow and experience the happiness that I've found.

   For those of you who made it to the end of this posting, I appreciate your taking the time to read. I love to write about my experiences because I think they might be able to help someone else. I'm always a little reluctant to blab about my life but I feel that my story is worth writing about. So in an attempt to keep my ego in check I humbly thank you for being interested enough to read this rather long reflection on my fiftieth birthday. Thank you and God Bless!

Your friend
Rob